Healing

 I can't recall what it was exactly that made me realize I needed to heal. Looking back, I'm sure that it wasn't one specific thing, but rather a series of things seemingly unrelated, that brought me to my knees after all those years. I do however remember very clearly the voice of God I heard in my head saying "we are going to walk through this now, and then you are going to help others." I wish I could tell you that I responded with joy and obedience, instead I abruptly replied, "No. I'll do anything but that." One of the many amazing things about God is that He truly knows better than we do (still struggle with this sometimes) If he has laid something on your heart that needs tending to, rest assured it does actually need tending to. It will likely not be easy, but I assure you it will be good. The outcome of this hard work will be more than worth the pain of stepping into it. God is not in the business of human experiments with no definitive outcome. He is the Grand Physician who is Executive and Chief in the healing department! If He stirs your heart to look at something, His word tells us that "he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion" (Phil. 1:6) 

I realize that not everyone reading this believes as I do. Thank you for making it this far. I truly hope that it won't stop you from reading my healing story. I believe that you too are loved by God, whether you believe it or not won't change it. And I am certain He does not want for you to suffer in silence. 

Despite my inability to embrace the idea and process of looking back at one of my most traumatic and life altering experiences, I could no longer avoid it. It seemed as though everywhere I turned there was evidence that I was already walking though the journey without even having signed up. 

The first big crack in the faulty armor I had designed to protect myself came at a friends house during a seemingly irrelative movie night. When the movie was over somehow a conversation around abortion came up. Please keep in mind at this time very few people knew about my abortion and I had fully intended to keep it that way. Up until that night I physically and emotionally could not even think about what I had done, let alone share it with women I barely knew. I couldn't read articles about abortion, hear facts about the procedure or even imagine that hope and healing would be a part of my story. Despite all of that, I spoke up! I shared! I cried and I let go of the shame for the first time. I spoke boldly (while shaking) of my deep sorrow. Not only surrounding my abortion but for the women I knew who were suffering silently, for the men who had no say, for all the lives lost to abortion and the destruction it leaves in it's wake. To my surprise I was not met with judgement but with love, acceptance and empathy. Not only that, I will never forget the encouragement from one woman who said she had "never been so moved by someone speaking about abortion" and that I "had a fire about me when I spoke of it." She said "I know you are going to help others." 

I didn't realize at the time that there were healing programs for Post Abortive women just like there are for many other challenging situations we find ourselves struggling with. So I spent the next few years slowly healing on my own. I prayed that God would be gracious and gentle in guiding me along the way. I shared with my husband and close friends what was going on with me now, and what had gone on then. I even admitted to my family that the "miscarriage story" was just that, a story I told out of necessity to the people who knew I was expecting my second child. I also shared a couple Pro Life videos on my social media, without saying why as I was not ready to publicly share. I was mostly met with love and compassion. I was healing and it felt good.

As time went by I shared more and more abut my healing and even more so about my desire to help others. A dear friend called me and said that she had heard that a Pregnancy Center was opening up in downtown Springfield and she knew I would want to know. I did some homework and found out the information was true. Clearway Clinic of Worcester was planning to open a second center in Springfield. Surely they will need help I thought, so I called up the Director, Kelly Wilcox, to basically tell her about my miraculous journey and how ready I was to help others heal too! Basically I said "Hi, I'm Melissa, I'm pretty amazing because God did a thing in me, so yeah, when can I start?" Well, it wasn't exactly like that, but close. Kelly was kind and compassionate and politely asked me what type of "healing work" I had done. I wanted to say "Did you not hear me? It's been years of me walking through this." Fortunately, I answered that I had had no "formal counseling" around this pain. This was when she told me about Save One. This is a recovery program for Post Abortive women that her clinic provided. Honestly, I was kinda offended. Remember I thought I was healed! I thought I was good. Thankfully I agreed that she could call me when the group was starting up and said I would think about it until then. Two months later she called. I said Yes. One month after that I found myself driving to a town in the middle of nowhere to meet a group of women I had never known before, to dive into one of the darkest seasons of my life. Head on. Once and for all. To be FREE. 

From that point on nothing has been the same. My eyes were opened to the disguised symptoms of my abortion. I was able to connect so many dots! Did you know that PAS (Post Abortion Syndrome) is a thing??? I sure didn't. My inability to remember or recall so many parts of that day are a result of that. Some other symptoms I suffered were Anxiety, Depression, Low Self Value, Dangerous and Abusive Relationships, Substance Abuse, Flashbacks (to the few horrific memories I did have) and Suicidal Thoughts and Behaviors. The most confusing of all, that no one really talks about, was this "distance" as I would label it, between myself and my two other children. I never shared this with anyone because I felt so much shame around it. Why could I only get "so close" to my kids? How could a Mother have such a hard time feeling free and able to unconditionally love her own children? I'll tell you how, Unresolved Guilt. When you had a child whom you took away their gift of life, it is exceptionally challenging to give above and beyond for the others who you let live. 

Save One not only helped me see the connection to these things, but walked me gently through healing them. I learned that although I always believed in my head I had been forgiven, in my heart and mind this was still the unforgivable sin. As if God could set me free from everything else, but not this. Through my processing I could clearly see that it was my inability to ACCEPT the healing and freedom God was offering! Not that it didn't exist. 

The most mind blowing part of all is that I was able to finally give my child life! By that I mean, I recognized through prayer that my baby (which prior to Save One I was not able to address or even use the term "baby") was a Girl! I gave her a name...Ruth "Ruthie" Jean. She now has an identity and a place in our family and is no longer "the abortion I had to forget". She is my Daughter. She is loved and one day I will meet her and thanks to my recovery, I believe it will be a joyous reunion. No anger, no resentment or condemnation, just a loving embrace of a Mother and her Daughter she never got the chance to meet.  

I share my story because I know I am not alone. Statistics show that 1 in 4 women will have an abortion in her lifetime. If you are reading this and you have been impacted by abortion, I want you to know there is HOPE! There is HEALING! There is HELP. Please reach out, I am here to help in any way I can. My heart is already with you. You do not have to suffer alone. 

Live Loved,

Melissa