Stolen Fatherhood

To the Father of the child I aborted, 

It has taken me over 3 years to write this letter. Even knowing that you may never see it has not shielded me from the crippling pain of writing it down. How does one apologize for robbing someone of their child? You wanted her. We wanted her. In the name of “choice” I stole her away from you without a single care for your loss. The reality is, I didn’t get pregnant on my own. You were as much her Father as I her Mother. Only one of us was given the privilege to nurture her at her most vulnerable stage. I abused the power I had over both her life and yours. I stole life from our child and Fatherhood from you. 

You came home from work that day ready to greet us with love and affection, and I shattered your heart. At least I could own my choice. You were given none. Rendered powerless over your ability to save your own child. Told to leave and never come back. No amount of apology could suffice. 

I often wonder, are you married now? Does your Wife know the pain you endured? Does anyone? Have you had other children? Were you able to? Are you OK? What a trivial word to use, “OK”. Have you been able to heal from the loss of your first child? I know society hasn’t provided much space for your kind of grief and loss. That’s wrong! I remember the look of sheer terror on your face as my choice was proclaimed. Abortion hurt you too. 

In AA they teach that you shouldn’t make direct amends to someone if to do so could harm them or others. This is why I’m writing. My potential absolution is not worth the further damage it could inflict upon you and your possible family. 

Instead I give this public apology in the hopes that it will shed light on the layers of pain and destruction abortion causes. In an effort to help elevate the silent cries of men who were given no choice. To state that I will live the rest of my life advocating for unborn babies like ours whose voices are stifled before they can speak.

With deepest regret and remorse, 

Melissa 

P.s. I gave our daughter the dignity of a beautiful name, Ruthie Jean…

These Things Are True

 I am feeling really strongly that it is time for this story to be told. Even as I am putting pen to paper, I am struggling to find the words. I thought when I healed from my abortion and found the strength to share my story publicly that somehow all the other secrets that laid dormant would be put to rest too...that hasn't been the case. The enemy almost immediately brought something to the surface to "remind me" of my weakness and it has been almost as hard for me to face as my abortion. Right at a moment where Freedom became real, in swooped the enemy to remind me of bondage. I wasn't ready at the time to face it. I didn't want to. I wanted to walk in my miraculous healing and I hoped that would just seep over into this other part of me that was wounded and tortured. I didn't want to face the pain of another life altering moment in my past. I wanted to be healed, without walking through the healing. God had other plans. 

So here I am after battling decently crippling anxiety for the last 45 days, stepping into the darkness and writing it into the light! Cause God told me that what we give to Him, He will redeem. Darkness cannot overpower the Light. I am sharing this for my own healing, but also because I know I am not alone. Sadly, there are many women and men who are walking around with this same weight of agonizing pain threatening to cripple them at any given moment. I want to let this weight go. To give it to Jesus once and for all. I hope that through my story you can feel safe to do the same.

I was raped. 

As I write those words, my head hurts and my heart pounds. My eyes are swollen and burning from all the tears I shed today. My body still tense and anxious from just over 6 weeks of constant low level and at times extreme anxiety. This all following a week long PTSD "episode" triggered by a comment made on social media. Yes, trauma triggered can be that bad. Heart palpitations, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, deep depression, not taking a full breath for hours at a time, anxiety headaches that feel like a rubber band is wrapped tightly around my forehead, interrupted restless sleep and ALL the stages of grief happening in my mind and heart on loop. 

I thought that I could ride it out. It will go away. It will get better. As I sobbed again today, not initially realizing why, I asked my Husband to pray. Honestly, I only heard a few words here and there but right in the middle of his praying, I saw this man's face. The man who raped me. I just couldn't shake it. Again all the memories and visuals came flooding back in. Taking over. The pain was almost unbearable. "I just want it to go away! I just want the pain to stop!" I cried out loud to both my Husband and Jesus. 

Immediately John 1:5 came so clearly into my mind "The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it." There it was again, just like with my abortion story. In that moment I could see God's miraculous hand. You see, I have been singing and memorizing all of John 1:1-7 with my girls this past year! I was Unintentionally allowing , even asking God to shine light in the darkness. So now, after the third time in that same time frame that my PTSD has been triggered around this, I can see clearly God telling me..."It's time."

There are some things I need to say and I believe some of you need to hear. I am giving this to Jesus once and for all and I am walking in the belief that just like my abortion, He will not only use what the enemy intended for evil and harm for my good, but also for the saving of others (Genesis 50:20) 

These thigs are true...

Just because some people cannot believe or accept that I was raped, does not mean I was not raped. 

Just because I was drunk doesn't make it may fault for "getting into" that situation. 

Just because the act wasn't violent does not mean it wasn't an assault.

Just because you know someone doesn't give them a pass or release them from accountability. Actually, it is the opposite! I had no reason to believe I was not safe with this person or to think for even a minute something like that would happen. 

No means No. Always. No matter what. Even if you don't punch someone or yell or scream. Crying and saying "No" multiple times (OR not saying anything at all and mentally/emotionally "freezing") while not physically fighting someone off of you in no way equals consensually participating! 

 It has been over 20 years since this traumatic event occurred. I remember parts of it like it was yesterday while others are completely gone. I remember the ride home, with him, screaming and crying my mind spinning trying to make sense of what just happened. I vaguely remember driving myself completely distraught to my best friends house, literally foaming at the mouth when I arrived. I don't recall much from there until I was in an emergency room. Sobbing and shaking from shock, beginning to realize the trauma. I remember the police station and the officer who was less than kind and the officer who looked at me like she understood. From there it was the phone calls and visits to "see how I was doing" but really to say things like "You aren't going to press charges, right?" and "You know this wasn't rape." 

I just wanted the nightmare to be over. I wanted to forget. To move on and never think of it again. How foolish the thoughts seem now. How sad that I was so broken already that I allowed a narrative to be written that wasn't true. Simply so other people wouldn't have to feel the way I felt. To have to view what happened through a clear lens, not one of emotional and personal protection. I sacrificed myself, as I had many times in my life already, for the comfort of others. 

But, GOD. He held me even when I didn't know it! He still does to this day. Hence the strength to write and share this raw and vulnerable piece of me. People who were involved may read this. I want to let them know I am finally letting this go. I will work on forgiving and healing and living truth instead of a lie no matter how long that process may take. It had to start here though. God has been allowing the pain to become unbearable, so I would know my only hope is through giving it to Him. Trusting Him with healing me like no other can. I pray that those involved will seek and find the same peace. Truly, I do. 

Today, right now, I am turning to Jesus and accepting that I was raped. It wasn't my fault. It happened to me, but it doesn't have to stay with me. 

If this has resonated with you, first...I am so very sorry. You should never have been hurt like that. I am here if you need to tell someone. To allow Light into the darkness. That is the first step. You are not alone. You are loved by Jesus and you don't have to hide anymore. Healing often hurts, but hiding is much more painful. So, here's to healing...

Live Loved,

Melissa  

“Be Fruitful...”

Motherhood. The mere word itself elicits feelings all over the spectrum. For some those are feelings of joy and fulfillment, for others sadness and loss, and others are holding space in the middle for both. There is sanctification taking place no matter how you hold this title. This we know for sure. 

Whether you set forth on this journey of motherhood with an elated and expectant heart or you found yourself there frightened and unsure. I promise you, there is another in the fire (Daniel 3:25) 

As you travel down this road that leads to hearts full or hearts grieving (or both) There is one who goes before you and will never leave you or forsake you. So do not be afraid or discouraged (Deuteronomy 31:8) 

When you feel you have lost your way and your strength is failing from the growing and the stretching, the guiding and the teaching or from the darkness and confusion, the sadness and the loss...There is One who says to you “I will be with you always (Matthew 28:20) 

When your weakness and inabilities are all you can see, there is One who says “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Coronthians 12:9) 

When they have grown and you have grown or motherhood has turned into something you never thought or expected at all. Yet through both the joy and the pain you have changed and find peace...there is One who says “They will know that I am the LORD their God...” (Exodus 29:46) 

Genesis 1:27-28a reads, So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them, male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number...”  When I look at Motherhood through the lens of Creation versus how we all have taken part in defining it, it is the words “be fruitful” that stand out to me today. I am realizing after 25 years of this journey, including both a full and grieving heart, that it is not so much about the action of being fruitful but rather the cultivation of the fruit that determines how I perceive and walk through all of it! 

I hope to encourage you today, no matter where you find yourself in this motherhood journey, that you are not waking alone. Thankfully it is not by our own strength and abilities that we walk out this role. We have access to God and the Holy Spirit within us willing and working on our behalf! Cultivating the fruit...Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self Control. 

No matter what thoughts, experiences, circumstances, trials or emotions we face and endure in our journey of motherhood we are reminded we aren’t called to do this on our own. When we realize that we don’t have to control but rather release our control, ideals and expectations so that we are walking this out with the Holy Spirit as our guide...it is then that the necessary fruit will grow! 

So wherever you are on this journey, whatever comes up for you today, I pray you are reminded, comforted and encouraged to know that you are not in this alone. The master gardener is tending to our hearts through it all. 

Live Loved, 

Melissa 

Healing

 I can't recall what it was exactly that made me realize I needed to heal. Looking back, I'm sure that it wasn't one specific thing, but rather a series of things seemingly unrelated, that brought me to my knees after all those years. I do however remember very clearly the voice of God I heard in my head saying "we are going to walk through this now, and then you are going to help others." I wish I could tell you that I responded with joy and obedience, instead I abruptly replied, "No. I'll do anything but that." One of the many amazing things about God is that He truly knows better than we do (still struggle with this sometimes) If he has laid something on your heart that needs tending to, rest assured it does actually need tending to. It will likely not be easy, but I assure you it will be good. The outcome of this hard work will be more than worth the pain of stepping into it. God is not in the business of human experiments with no definitive outcome. He is the Grand Physician who is Executive and Chief in the healing department! If He stirs your heart to look at something, His word tells us that "he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion" (Phil. 1:6) 

I realize that not everyone reading this believes as I do. Thank you for making it this far. I truly hope that it won't stop you from reading my healing story. I believe that you too are loved by God, whether you believe it or not won't change it. And I am certain He does not want for you to suffer in silence. 

Despite my inability to embrace the idea and process of looking back at one of my most traumatic and life altering experiences, I could no longer avoid it. It seemed as though everywhere I turned there was evidence that I was already walking though the journey without even having signed up. 

The first big crack in the faulty armor I had designed to protect myself came at a friends house during a seemingly irrelative movie night. When the movie was over somehow a conversation around abortion came up. Please keep in mind at this time very few people knew about my abortion and I had fully intended to keep it that way. Up until that night I physically and emotionally could not even think about what I had done, let alone share it with women I barely knew. I couldn't read articles about abortion, hear facts about the procedure or even imagine that hope and healing would be a part of my story. Despite all of that, I spoke up! I shared! I cried and I let go of the shame for the first time. I spoke boldly (while shaking) of my deep sorrow. Not only surrounding my abortion but for the women I knew who were suffering silently, for the men who had no say, for all the lives lost to abortion and the destruction it leaves in it's wake. To my surprise I was not met with judgement but with love, acceptance and empathy. Not only that, I will never forget the encouragement from one woman who said she had "never been so moved by someone speaking about abortion" and that I "had a fire about me when I spoke of it." She said "I know you are going to help others." 

I didn't realize at the time that there were healing programs for Post Abortive women just like there are for many other challenging situations we find ourselves struggling with. So I spent the next few years slowly healing on my own. I prayed that God would be gracious and gentle in guiding me along the way. I shared with my husband and close friends what was going on with me now, and what had gone on then. I even admitted to my family that the "miscarriage story" was just that, a story I told out of necessity to the people who knew I was expecting my second child. I also shared a couple Pro Life videos on my social media, without saying why as I was not ready to publicly share. I was mostly met with love and compassion. I was healing and it felt good.

As time went by I shared more and more abut my healing and even more so about my desire to help others. A dear friend called me and said that she had heard that a Pregnancy Center was opening up in downtown Springfield and she knew I would want to know. I did some homework and found out the information was true. Clearway Clinic of Worcester was planning to open a second center in Springfield. Surely they will need help I thought, so I called up the Director, Kelly Wilcox, to basically tell her about my miraculous journey and how ready I was to help others heal too! Basically I said "Hi, I'm Melissa, I'm pretty amazing because God did a thing in me, so yeah, when can I start?" Well, it wasn't exactly like that, but close. Kelly was kind and compassionate and politely asked me what type of "healing work" I had done. I wanted to say "Did you not hear me? It's been years of me walking through this." Fortunately, I answered that I had had no "formal counseling" around this pain. This was when she told me about Save One. This is a recovery program for Post Abortive women that her clinic provided. Honestly, I was kinda offended. Remember I thought I was healed! I thought I was good. Thankfully I agreed that she could call me when the group was starting up and said I would think about it until then. Two months later she called. I said Yes. One month after that I found myself driving to a town in the middle of nowhere to meet a group of women I had never known before, to dive into one of the darkest seasons of my life. Head on. Once and for all. To be FREE. 

From that point on nothing has been the same. My eyes were opened to the disguised symptoms of my abortion. I was able to connect so many dots! Did you know that PAS (Post Abortion Syndrome) is a thing??? I sure didn't. My inability to remember or recall so many parts of that day are a result of that. Some other symptoms I suffered were Anxiety, Depression, Low Self Value, Dangerous and Abusive Relationships, Substance Abuse, Flashbacks (to the few horrific memories I did have) and Suicidal Thoughts and Behaviors. The most confusing of all, that no one really talks about, was this "distance" as I would label it, between myself and my two other children. I never shared this with anyone because I felt so much shame around it. Why could I only get "so close" to my kids? How could a Mother have such a hard time feeling free and able to unconditionally love her own children? I'll tell you how, Unresolved Guilt. When you had a child whom you took away their gift of life, it is exceptionally challenging to give above and beyond for the others who you let live. 

Save One not only helped me see the connection to these things, but walked me gently through healing them. I learned that although I always believed in my head I had been forgiven, in my heart and mind this was still the unforgivable sin. As if God could set me free from everything else, but not this. Through my processing I could clearly see that it was my inability to ACCEPT the healing and freedom God was offering! Not that it didn't exist. 

The most mind blowing part of all is that I was able to finally give my child life! By that I mean, I recognized through prayer that my baby (which prior to Save One I was not able to address or even use the term "baby") was a Girl! I gave her a name...Ruth "Ruthie" Jean. She now has an identity and a place in our family and is no longer "the abortion I had to forget". She is my Daughter. She is loved and one day I will meet her and thanks to my recovery, I believe it will be a joyous reunion. No anger, no resentment or condemnation, just a loving embrace of a Mother and her Daughter she never got the chance to meet.  

I share my story because I know I am not alone. Statistics show that 1 in 4 women will have an abortion in her lifetime. If you are reading this and you have been impacted by abortion, I want you to know there is HOPE! There is HEALING! There is HELP. Please reach out, I am here to help in any way I can. My heart is already with you. You do not have to suffer alone. 

Live Loved,

Melissa