I’m here to share with you that on August 24th I was sober for TWO YEARS 👍🏼 Yes. That deserves a thumbs up. I am sharing because I came to my sober living in a way most don’t speak about.
Admittedly my life was “unmanageable”. However, no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t seem to blame it on the tequila. Even my closest family and friends all believed that I was “fine”. What I finally was able to see though was that although my day to day “life” wasn’t so much effected, my Spiritual life was. I had pretty much resigned myself that God was not going to change my circumstances (still in some ways hasn’t) and wasn’t going to make me “feel” any better either. So, I had to help myself in that department. This my friends is what would be defined as “creating an idol.” What initially started as something to “take the edge off” over a period of undefinable time, became a replacement for God’s healing hand and comforting presence.
Full disclosure, I was SO angry at God at one point, I was sitting on my back porch yelling at Him to LEAVE ME ALONE! Shouting out, like David, that I didn’t want His help anymore if this is what that would look like! I even added that I knew He probably wouldn’t actually leave me alone, but that I just wasn’t going to listen anymore. Yes, I was just like a child kicking and screaming telling my Father what a big jerk he was because I was not the least bit happy with his choices for me.
Second full disclosure, this super low point still wasn’t enough for me to realize about the whole “replacing God with a bottle of Don Julio” thing. It took an extremely traumatic event in our family’s life and three nights after of trying to self medicate, for me to Wake Up. Which is quite precisely what happened. On the 4th morning I woke up and proceeded throughout my day as I had been the three days before. I prayed, I cried, I begged God to help me, to help us, and proceeded on auto pilot to get through the day. When the girls were tucked in that night something inside me (aka the Holy Spirit) said “How about instead of grabbing that bottle, you grab that book. Just tonight. That’s all.” That book I am speaking of is called “Coming Clean” by Seth Haines. I had happened upon it on Instagram (see there is good on there) and it had been collecting dust in my room for a bit (Sorry Seth)
For reasons I can only explain as divine intervention, I chose to listen to that still small voice and picked up that book. One night turned into two turned into three turned into TWO YEARS. Seth was the first person I had ever heard speak of the connection between our drinking and our trust in God (or lack thereof) in the way that he does. He shared his personal story of acknowledgement in mostly giving up and how the realization of that act changed everything. And it gave me hope, right in the middle of despair.
I wish I could tell you that I came to this realization and a bright light shown down on me and ever since then it’s been nothing but blessings galore...but that would be a bold face lie. As a matter of fact, the last two years have felt like literal hell at times. But I can FEEL the hell. I feel the pain, the struggle, the ache and the longing. I see clearly that so much more needs to be done and it isn’t going to be easy. All the while, I am learning who I really am, I am seeing the power I have within me when I rest in Christ! I am learning to love myself and others, and to see how stinking hard that can be at times. Most importantly I am doing the best I can to remember that God is still on the throne! That no matter how my life may look sometimes (even if those times have lasted years) He has not left! He is the only one who never will! He is good and loving and kind and merciful even when He doesn’t take away the pain. He will show me how to fight with Words instead of wine. Which ultimately, is the only way any battle is won.
So here’s to two hard fought years of sobriety in an effort to find more comfort in Christ than intoxication. Here’s to continuing on this journey and hoping this might resonate and help some of you too.
I will end with Jesus’ words himself “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
Live Loved,
Melissa
No comments:
Post a Comment