Silent No More

I can no longer hold this story inside of myself. It is meant to be set free. God has been nudging me to pick up a pen, with shaking hands, and bravely speak the truth in love for quite sometime. Although I truly believe that writing these words to you all will be incredibly empowering to myself, the real gift is for you the reader. Especially those of you who may not even have known how desperately you needed to hear them.

So here goes...

I had an abortion. I am stating it so matter of factually because although some would choose to believe that you can pretty up the word, Abortion, I don't believe you can. Which is precisely why my story matters and needs to be told. At this point I may lose some of you. I hope you will please ask yourself why you can't or don't want to hear my story. Is it because you think you may disagree? Or maybe you are like I was? I remember all to clearly a time when I would have walked away from one myself. Where every comment made, pro-life campaign, and detailed account was unbearable. My ears couldn't hear it and my heart couldn't take it, so I turned away. Told myself I was fine, it hadn't deeply effected me, I was just sensitive. I did what I had to do. There was no way myself and my young son who were only just recently getting onto our feet, could possibly have a future if I had another child. Not to mention that I had accepted the harsh reality that I would be having a baby with a man I did not love. No one should do that to themselves or put that onto a child, right?

To help you further understand my situation, I had only recently left my son's father and was just 23 years old. I started dating a guy I had known from earlier in my life and within a few months found myself pregnant. When I told my boyfriend he was nervous but happy. He quickly adjusted many things in his life in order to prepare for his new role as a Father. He even told me he loved me and would marry me if that was what I wanted to do. I wasn't quite ready for that but tried to be optimistic, as I really felt I had no choice. Ever since I was old enough to hear the word Abortion and to understand clearly (on my own) that this was a procedure that would end a life, to me it was incomprehensible. Especially considering that I had already previously become pregnant under less than desirable circumstances at the young age of 19 and had an incredible young son who made my life worth living. So, I moved my boyfriend in and we began preparing for our new life together as a family. To no one's surprise I am sure, it wasn't all a bed of roses. His family was less than thrilled about this new situation. He was trying so hard to be supportive while under a great deal of stress (as even the most prepared of parents can be with a new pregnancy). So there were arguments where there hadn't been before. I was battling horrible morning sickness, barely able to keep anything down. Working trying to earn money for our growing family and unable to get out of the bathroom half of the time! One of the most difficult pieces of my story is that I was preparing for this child. I was not just a few weeks along, not that that makes the reality of the choice any different, but it pains me to know just how formed in my womb our baby was. 

On a particularly emotionally challenging day I vented to friends about my sadness. About the fighting and the stress. About how I didn't think I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man. I concluded that I needed to do this alone. That I could do this alone. I was strong, smart, competent, and capable. Heck, I had an amazing young son to prove it! I could do it again, on my own. Within minutes the conversation shifted and abortion was brought up. Let's be honest, it almost always is. Oh, you are pregnant and it's not a good time, not the right circumstances, not the right father, your family will be mad/embarrassed/disown you, you don't have a lot of money or a college degree, you had big plans to travel, to go to school, to start a business, to marry someone you loved...why not have an abortion? It's quick, mostly painless and no one needs to know. You can move on with your life and not have to face the hardships or trials that may or may not be ahead. You can dictate your own future based on what's best for you in that moment. No regrets only freedom and a sigh of relief. This is what we say. This is what we are told.

I can't really recall exactly what made the shift in my mind, the change of my choice. I just know it happened in an instant and there was no turning back. I decided this was my only choice now. It just had to be done, whether I liked it or not. It seemed to be the only way. My plan was plain and simple. Go home, call Planned Parenthood, tell boyfriend, get abortion, move on, be OK. Goodness, when I write that out it seems so obvious that other than maybe what you will eat for lunch, no plan is that simple.

Here is where things get significantly heavier instead of what we think will be lighter, better, best. I drove home, made the call and was scheduled right away. I remember the urgency in her tone as she booked me for an appointment just two days later. When my boyfriend got home I sat him down and told him I was having an abortion and that the appointment was already booked. I don't remember everything he said, but I will never forget the horrified look on his face. This was my right, right? That's what we are told. My body, my choice. You see, this is one of the truest lies we believe. Men have no say. They have no choice. It is absolutely true because we often take away their say and remove their choice. In the name of feminism and empowerment we look them in the face (or not even) and tell them they have no say. That a child that was only ours because of their involvement, is not going to survive because we have chosen not to allow it. Not all men walk away. Not all men want abortion. I was not only choosing for myself, I was choosing for another living breathing human being (aside from our baby) who wanted our baby and he in fact, had no choice.

I only remember fragments from the day of my abortion. I know my son was waiting for his Mommy while she went to "the doctors". I know I was driven to Boston because it was the only place I could go. I do not remember where it was or walking in the door. I vaguely remember the waiting room, the eerie silence and somber faces hanging down on every woman there. I was given no view of an ultrasound, no surgical consult, as a matter of fact I never even met the Doctor until I was undressed and slightly sedated on a gurney in the dimly lit uninviting procedure room. The sounds, those I couldn't forget. I remembered them well as they haunted my days and nights for years to come. I remember the "recovery room". I am putting that in quotes because it was more like a corral. So many of us, barely separated, crying, moaning, drifting in and out of awareness of what we had just gone through. No matter whether we went in OK with our choice or not, no one was feeling OK in that moment. The darkness that connected us, strangers in a strange place, was palpable. From there I have no recollection of leaving, my long ride home or getting to my house. I do have one clear memory of myself curled up in a ball, sobbing in excruciating pain, while my son was playing outside.

As I said, I was planning for this child, so many people knew. The following day I called out work. I told them I had a miscarriage. I told the same lie to almost everyone who knew. Then I took the truth, shoved it into the back corner of my mind, and vowed to never think or speak of it again. This was the only way I believed I could be OK. The following months were some of the darkest days of my life. At the time I truly had no idea that the horrible choices I was making or the uncontrollable sadness and anger had anything to do with my abortion. I had moved on and figured eventually I would be OK with my choice.

This is why I am writing. I cannot stay quiet any longer. I suffered in silence for far to many years! I told only a few people along the way, but even then I couldn't talk about my actual experience or the horrible PTSD I would have when certain ad's, conversations, and especially sounds would trigger me right back into that surgical room or the recovery room after. It wasn't until I went through an Abortion Recovery Program and truly healed that I began really sharing. Women opened up to me about similar experiences and pain. I knew I was not alone! Chances are many of you reading this have had an abortion yourself or know someone who has. Chances are, no matter how vocal you may be about how we should have a right to choose, you too may be keeping a secret locked tight in the corner of your mind. This is because I believe one of two things happens to us after an abortion, we will live in silent suffering (like me) until someone (like me) let's you know there is hope and true healing. Or, we will tell ourselves and as many people as will listen that abortion is a necessity. It is a choice and not a child. We will say whatever it takes to feel OK with the choice we (or someone we love) made. Look, I get it! I am not here to judge. I promise. I am here to say these hard things because it is time to shine a light on the darkness! So that no one else has to suffer in silence.

Abortion is not the answer. Abortion is the problem. We as females are strong and capable, no matter what the situation! We do not need to tell ourselves and others that the only way to be OK and dare I say "successful", is by ending the life of an innocent child. We know this is what abortion does. We know the damage left in it's wake. It is time to be brave and speak truth! I know it won't be popular, but I can't be concerned about that anymore when so many Women (1 in 4) are faced with this choice. And thousands upon thousands are still suffering silently having already made it. I will speak for you.

If this message has offended you, I truly meant no harm. If you have had an abortion and are in pain or struggling, PLEASE reach out! You are not alone. You no longer need to carry this secret. You are loved right where you are and you can be safely heard. If I can truly heal to the point of telling my older children, and now sharing this raw and vulnerable story with all of you...YOU CAN HEAL TOO!

I have so much more to say, but for now I will end with this...

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1:5

What is brought into the light holds NO power anymore.

Live Loved,
Melissa