Will They Forgive Me?

I always knew that my abortion healing wasn’t just for me. It was clear that I was being called to share my experiences, strength and hope with other women (and men) who had walked through abortion. I felt led to support women in unplanned pregnancy situations to help them make life giving choices. I even believed God wanted me to rescue those being led to death (Proverbs 24:11) At first this all was very exhilarating! When you know that the call on your life is clear and God is with you, there is a peace and courage that you otherwise wouldn’t have. 

There was only one problem, I would have to tell my kids. It’s one thing to heal privately, it’s entirely different to share the intimate details of my life and my abortion with the world. Surly I wanted to tell them instead of some stranger on the internet. It didn’t take long for the fear to creep in. How would I tell them, when would I tell them, and what would they say? Would they forgive me?  After all, this was their sister! One they never got a chance to meet. What if they hated me because of my choice. I truly believed this was a possibility, and it was crippling me all over again. 

I took to Google and reached out to friends who I knew had shared about their abortions with their children, but nothing was giving me the courage I needed. There were several times I thought, “Ok, today is the day” only to loose confidence and cower at the thought of their rejection. At this point I felt scared and alone. I went from feeling the freedom of forgiveness to feeling stunted again in guilt and shame. The lies from the enemy crept in that I could never truly be free from what I had done. 

I wish I could tell you that something happened, someone said something that made it all feel ok. That wasn’t the case. However, what I do want to tell you is that if you are feeling the need to share your abortion story with your children…it is possible! The enemy is going to throw everything at you he can to convince you that it isn’t, but it is! I heard from a friend that “the enemy knows he can’t have you, so he wants to render you useless.” Do not give in to his lies! If God has called you to share your story please trust and believe that you CAN do all things through Christ who gives you strength (Philippians 4:13) 

In the end I made the decision to tell them all separately. Although that meant a bit more vulnerability for me it gave me the opportunity to tailor each conversation to the child in front of me. Each one of them different and unique in the relationship we have, how they process and what this could mean for them. 

I am so thankful to say that they all forgave me! One was very supportive immediately telling me that nothing I could ever do could shake their love for me. One was very quiet and visibly shaken and or surprised never really saying much but since then is so supportive of all that I am doing. The other two cried and asked some questions that were emotionally challenging to answer, but God gave us the strength to get through the conversation and end it with hugs. 

Since then I now have four children who stand for life in their own ways. Two of them coming to the March for Life in DC to watch me share my testimony. One who often talks about and draws pictures of her Sister she never got to see. Another who sends me pro life posts to encourage me in my advocacy. 

I hope my story is an example that God truly does work ALL things out for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). Even our greatest mistakes. As painful as working it out may be, your story matters and God will give you the strength you are looking for.

The Lyrics of Abortion

Since the news of Britney Spears abortion breaking out there has been a lot of speculation around the meaning of her hit song ”Everytime”. Revisiting the video seems to show the likely truth behind the assumptions. 

As a women who suffered greatly after my abortion, I wanted to chime in. Whether we will ever know if the lyrics truly do point to the trauma she faced after aborting their baby remains unseen. However I know from my own experiences and countless others, her sentiments ring true. 

When Britney sings “Everytime I see you in my dreams I see your face, it’s haunting me I guess I need you, baby”, I am shaken to my core remembering the flashbacks I suffered for over a decade. The procedure itself, the noise of the vacuum machine ripping the life from my womb, the sterile gray walls, the corral they called a “recovery room”, the wails and moaning of other young women like me recognizing the gravity of what we had just done. These memories and visions haunted my mind in the day and night. 

She laments “I make believe that you are here it’s the only way I see clear”. Once the reality sets in that you chose death for your child there is no way to unsee that truth. It took years of healing work to be able to envision my sweet daughter smiling from the arms of Jesus with no anger towards me and the choice that I made. That vision and belief saved my life. 

Lastly, it seems she accepts the truth and asks forgiveness mournfully reciting “My weakness caused you pain and this song is my sorry”. My heart aches for her. I pray she knows there is hope and healing. 

What I want you to understand is that whether or not this song is truly about her abortion is inconsequential, although if it is then for Britney it is of the greatest significance. For the rest of us, I want you to know that it certainly could be. These feelings and experiences are real, true and common for those of us who have suffered mentally and emotionally after our abortions. This song now represents the face of abortion whether that was Britney’s intention or not. I hope this causes you to pause and recognize that the consequences of abortion go far beyond the loss of life for the child. The suffering endures for sometimes decades silently by the mothers and fathers who didn’t feel strong enough for whatever reason to choose life. These are the lyrics of abortion. 

Three Decades On Roe

 If I’m honest, growing up I never gave much thought to Roe v Wade. I knew of it, but no one around me ever spoke of it. I never questioned it. It just was. 

Sadly, by my 20’s, all I knew was that it allowed me the right to “terminate my pregnancy”. I exercised that right, but still didn’t give it much thought. 

By my 30’s the trauma and pain I was still suffering from surrounding my abortion gave me plenty of opportunities to think about that fateful precedence. I questioned the circumstances surrounding the case, but even more so I pondered the WHY? What about us as people has made us believe that ending the life of our unborn offspring is just or even necessary? Where were our hearts as a country on that fateful day in 1973? When a previously unknown Norma McCorvey became the face of women’s empowerment through her newly legal “right to choose”, was there no pause as to the future implications? Could they even conceive of the 63 Million babies lives that would be ended and the Mother’s and Father’s left to silently grieve an unrecognized loss? 

But who was I to question? After all I had exercised this right. Was there a space for people like me in this fight? 

Now in my 40’s I am here to tell you it is voices like mine that not only can speak, but most definitely should be heard! It is not hypocritical, it is growth. Which brings me to this moment today - one year after the overturning of the dreadful Row v Wade decision. As a woman and an American I am so thankful and proud that there has been collective growth! It is one of the best human qualities to recognize wrong thinking and have the courage to make a change. May we continue to fight for not only the lives of the unborn but for the restoration of Parenthood as the gift it is. May we continue to fight for the single Mom’s who need love, acceptance and support. May we continue to fight for and encourage Father’s to recognize the importance of their roles and to sympathize with those who weren’t given a choice. 

If I’m honest, I probably didn’t think much about Roe not because it wasn’t worthy of thought, but because I wasn’t convinced it could change. I’m so glad I was wrong. 

Stolen Fatherhood

To the Father of the child I aborted, 

It has taken me over 3 years to write this letter. Even knowing that you may never see it has not shielded me from the crippling pain of writing it down. How does one apologize for robbing someone of their child? You wanted her. We wanted her. In the name of “choice” I stole her away from you without a single care for your loss. The reality is, I didn’t get pregnant on my own. You were as much her Father as I her Mother. Only one of us was given the privilege to nurture her at her most vulnerable stage. I abused the power I had over both her life and yours. I stole life from our child and Fatherhood from you. 

You came home from work that day ready to greet us with love and affection, and I shattered your heart. At least I could own my choice. You were given none. Rendered powerless over your ability to save your own child. Told to leave and never come back. No amount of apology could suffice. 

I often wonder, are you married now? Does your Wife know the pain you endured? Does anyone? Have you had other children? Were you able to? Are you OK? What a trivial word to use, “OK”. Have you been able to heal from the loss of your first child? I know society hasn’t provided much space for your kind of grief and loss. That’s wrong! I remember the look of sheer terror on your face as my choice was proclaimed. Abortion hurt you too. 

In AA they teach that you shouldn’t make direct amends to someone if to do so could harm them or others. This is why I’m writing. My potential absolution is not worth the further damage it could inflict upon you and your possible family. 

Instead I give this public apology in the hopes that it will shed light on the layers of pain and destruction abortion causes. In an effort to help elevate the silent cries of men who were given no choice. To state that I will live the rest of my life advocating for unborn babies like ours whose voices are stifled before they can speak.

With deepest regret and remorse, 

Melissa 

P.s. I gave our daughter the dignity of a beautiful name, Ruthie Jean…