I am feeling really strongly that it is time for this story to be told. Even as I am putting pen to paper, I am struggling to find the words. I thought when I healed from my abortion and found the strength to share my story publicly that somehow all the other secrets that laid dormant would be put to rest too...that hasn't been the case. The enemy almost immediately brought something to the surface to "remind me" of my weakness and it has been almost as hard for me to face as my abortion. Right at a moment where Freedom became real, in swooped the enemy to remind me of bondage. I wasn't ready at the time to face it. I didn't want to. I wanted to walk in my miraculous healing and I hoped that would just seep over into this other part of me that was wounded and tortured. I didn't want to face the pain of another life altering moment in my past. I wanted to be healed, without walking through the healing. God had other plans.
So here I am after battling decently crippling anxiety for the last 45 days, stepping into the darkness and writing it into the light! Cause God told me that what we give to Him, He will redeem. Darkness cannot overpower the Light. I am sharing this for my own healing, but also because I know I am not alone. Sadly, there are many women and men who are walking around with this same weight of agonizing pain threatening to cripple them at any given moment. I want to let this weight go. To give it to Jesus once and for all. I hope that through my story you can feel safe to do the same.
I was raped.
As I write those words, my head hurts and my heart pounds. My eyes are swollen and burning from all the tears I shed today. My body still tense and anxious from just over 6 weeks of constant low level and at times extreme anxiety. This all following a week long PTSD "episode" triggered by a comment made on social media. Yes, trauma triggered can be that bad. Heart palpitations, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, deep depression, not taking a full breath for hours at a time, anxiety headaches that feel like a rubber band is wrapped tightly around my forehead, interrupted restless sleep and ALL the stages of grief happening in my mind and heart on loop.
I thought that I could ride it out. It will go away. It will get better. As I sobbed again today, not initially realizing why, I asked my Husband to pray. Honestly, I only heard a few words here and there but right in the middle of his praying, I saw this man's face. The man who raped me. I just couldn't shake it. Again all the memories and visuals came flooding back in. Taking over. The pain was almost unbearable. "I just want it to go away! I just want the pain to stop!" I cried out loud to both my Husband and Jesus.
Immediately John 1:5 came so clearly into my mind "The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it." There it was again, just like with my abortion story. In that moment I could see God's miraculous hand. You see, I have been singing and memorizing all of John 1:1-7 with my girls this past year! I was Unintentionally allowing , even asking God to shine light in the darkness. So now, after the third time in that same time frame that my PTSD has been triggered around this, I can see clearly God telling me..."It's time."
There are some things I need to say and I believe some of you need to hear. I am giving this to Jesus once and for all and I am walking in the belief that just like my abortion, He will not only use what the enemy intended for evil and harm for my good, but also for the saving of others (Genesis 50:20)
These thigs are true...
Just because some people cannot believe or accept that I was raped, does not mean I was not raped.
Just because I was drunk doesn't make it may fault for "getting into" that situation.
Just because the act wasn't violent does not mean it wasn't an assault.
Just because you know someone doesn't give them a pass or release them from accountability. Actually, it is the opposite! I had no reason to believe I was not safe with this person or to think for even a minute something like that would happen.
No means No. Always. No matter what. Even if you don't punch someone or yell or scream. Crying and saying "No" multiple times (OR not saying anything at all and mentally/emotionally "freezing") while not physically fighting someone off of you in no way equals consensually participating!
It has been over 20 years since this traumatic event occurred. I remember parts of it like it was yesterday while others are completely gone. I remember the ride home, with him, screaming and crying my mind spinning trying to make sense of what just happened. I vaguely remember driving myself completely distraught to my best friends house, literally foaming at the mouth when I arrived. I don't recall much from there until I was in an emergency room. Sobbing and shaking from shock, beginning to realize the trauma. I remember the police station and the officer who was less than kind and the officer who looked at me like she understood. From there it was the phone calls and visits to "see how I was doing" but really to say things like "You aren't going to press charges, right?" and "You know this wasn't rape."
I just wanted the nightmare to be over. I wanted to forget. To move on and never think of it again. How foolish the thoughts seem now. How sad that I was so broken already that I allowed a narrative to be written that wasn't true. Simply so other people wouldn't have to feel the way I felt. To have to view what happened through a clear lens, not one of emotional and personal protection. I sacrificed myself, as I had many times in my life already, for the comfort of others.
But, GOD. He held me even when I didn't know it! He still does to this day. Hence the strength to write and share this raw and vulnerable piece of me. People who were involved may read this. I want to let them know I am finally letting this go. I will work on forgiving and healing and living truth instead of a lie no matter how long that process may take. It had to start here though. God has been allowing the pain to become unbearable, so I would know my only hope is through giving it to Him. Trusting Him with healing me like no other can. I pray that those involved will seek and find the same peace. Truly, I do.
Today, right now, I am turning to Jesus and accepting that I was raped. It wasn't my fault. It happened to me, but it doesn't have to stay with me.
If this has resonated with you, first...I am so very sorry. You should never have been hurt like that. I am here if you need to tell someone. To allow Light into the darkness. That is the first step. You are not alone. You are loved by Jesus and you don't have to hide anymore. Healing often hurts, but hiding is much more painful. So, here's to healing...
Live Loved,
Melissa
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