Between "Why" And "Where"

"I shouldn't have had kids."
This was a thought that came to the forefront of my mind this Mother's Day, as I sat in my truck on the verge of tears over the fighting between my two "Little's". (The "Big's" are 23 & 16, the "Little's" are 7 and almost 6) To be honest, this wasn't an out of nowhere thought. It is one I have rehearsed well in my mind. So you understand, it wasn't because I was wishing for peace and quiet, or some sort of mythical life filled with "freedom", or unrestricted travel, or things I otherwise cannot afford. No, my rationale ran to a deeper darker place. The problem wasn't them, it was me. I felt like a failure. Completely unqualified.

As I sat there feeling trapped inside that vehicle it was really my mind that was holding me captive. Thoughts of shame over choices made that I can't change. Fear over the magnitude of the mountains I know I need to climb. Anger at myself for not being able to figure everything out so that they wouldn't have to struggle. Doubt in my ability to remedy the wrongs.

These voices and messages rang louder than the "I love you! You're the best Mom a girl could have" I had heard only hours before. Instead of looking at how far we have come, I could only see that it wasn't quite far enough.

Life has presented us with far more hardships than I care to count over the past few years. I have fought through tears of depression, crippling anxiety and panic attacks so awful I truly thought I might die. Even still, I clung to Jesus by the tips of my war torn fingers, and fought with Him for breath in what felt like collapsing lungs. So why? Why when I know He hasn't left my side am I sitting here thinking I am not equipped for the life He has provided?

BECAUSE THE ENEMY IS REAL.
"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8 I had a friend tell me years ago that the enemy knows he can't have you, so he wants to render you useless. Yeah, let that sink in.

In these moments when nothing seems right. When your shortcomings are playing on the screen of your life and your own children are the actors. When all your best efforts and plans have metaphorically and possibly literally blown up in your face, he creeps up behind you whispering in a way that makes us eat lies like candy. Savoring every self destructive, self loathing, condemning bite. Leaving us feeling full of shame, fear, anger, and doubt. I don't know about you but I certainly can't function well from those places. Hence, leaving me useless.

I wish I could tell you I prayed and just like that, everything was better. That would not be true. I did allow these lies to steal my joy for the day.  However, I woke up this morning and came to the realization that I am struggling because I am living between the "Why are you allowing all this, God?" and the "Where are you in all this, Lord?" Just a switch of my perspective and everything can shift. If I look at parts of my life, marriage, children, family, health, past, I could easily shout out "Why?" But, if I look to God's Word, who He is, what He has done and how He sees me, I can learn to ask "Where" more often.

In the book of Judges we read how an angel of the Lord came and sat with Gideon and said to him "The LORD is with you mighty warrior." "Pardon me, my lord", Gidoen replied, "but if the LORD is with us, why has all this happened to us?" Where are all his wonders that our ancestors told us about when they said, Did not the LORD bring us up out of Egypt? But now the LORD has abandoned us giving us into the hand of Midian." The LORD turned to him and said "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Am I not sending you?" "Pardon me, my lord," Gideon replied, "but how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family." The LORD answered "I will be with you"... Judges 6:12-16a

I don't know where you were yesterday (or today)  but I am betting I'm not alone. We all struggle in one way or another with an invisible measuring stick that often we hold up to ourselves. I wanted to encourage you to "not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours but God's." 2 Chronicles 20:15b

I am not sure what the "army" you are facing looks like but I wanted you to know you are not alone! God has not abandoned you. He sees the warrior inside you and has called you to this time and place. Put your trust in Him, let God show you that no matter what He will be your strength and peace. Instead of crying out "Why" ask him "Where" and let him show you "Right here."

Live Loved,
Melissa